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The Biggest Problem in Marriage that No One is Talking About

May 6, 2018 By Stephanie Leave a Comment

6 May

There are a lot of problems in marriages today. You can notice it everywhere you look. Many couples are divorced or in the process of getting divorced. Or, there are unhappy couples that remain married but prefer to spend their time apart. There are a lot of “reasons” that you hear for why problems start in marriage, but I think it all boils down to just one problem.

Common problems in marriage

If you do a little research or talk to divorced couples you will hear the following as common problems in marriage that lead to divorce:

  • Money issues and stress
  • Just not “in love” with each other anymore
  • Infidelity
  • Lack of prioritizing family
  • Lack of communication
  • No passion

All of these are real problems that marriages face. If you are married you will face problems in your marriage. Some might be bigger and others smaller, but there is no such thing as a perfect marriage.

The things listed above may be the reasons that couples give for why they are having problems I don’t believe they are the real issue.

What is the real problem?

I believe the real issue behind marital problems is selfishness. We don’t get what we want so there is going to be a problem. Let’s apply it to the situations below:

  • Money issues usually stem from couples not agreeing on how to spend the money. If there isn’t an abundance of money to cover the wants of both individuals it will lead to a disagreement.
  • You “fall out of love” when you feel like your spouse just isn’t doing it for you anymore. You aren’t getting enough attention and it just doesn’t “feel” the way it did in the beginning.
  • Infidelity usually happens when one spouse feels like they aren’t getting what they need from the other. It could be emotional or physical.
  • Selfishness can go both ways. One spouse may not prioritize family time because they think something else is more important at the moment. The other spouse doesn’t understand why the priorities of the other are not the same as their own, causing problems.
  • Either not communicating because you don’t feel like it or being upset because your spouse isn’t communicating the way you want them to.
  • When a marriage ends because of a lack of passion it is one or both spouses not feeling like they are getting what they should.

We are all selfish people

There are very few people that don’t deal with being selfish. I once read a book that talked about the issues of selfishness in relationships. I believe it was Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? (affiliate link) The book takes some concepts to the extreme but makes some great points. It mentions that anytime you start thinking about how selfish your spouse is you are actually being selfish too because you aren’t getting what you want.

Selfishness is simply defined on dictionary.com as “concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.” It sounds horrible. We don’t want to admit we are selfish, but we are.

One trick we use to justify our selfishness is believing that we “know what’s best” in a situation. Then we don’t feel like we are being selfish because really we are just doing what is best for everyone in the situation. But, what happens when what we think is best isn’t the same as what our spouse thinks is best? We get in a fight and defend our own opinions because we are more concerned with our own opinions than those of spouse. It’s selfish.

Change your thinking

Next time you are thinking about a problem in your marriage ask yourself what the underlying problem is. Some problems in marriage aren’t due to your own selfishness, but those of your spouse. The problem is you can’t control what your spouse does. They might not be aware of their selfishness, but remember that it isn’t your job to make them aware. It’s your job to focus on yourself in marriage. Make sure you are doing your part. If you focus on being an unselfish and loving wife you just might notice some positive changes from your husband as well.

 

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I believe it’s important to reflect on and learn
I believe it’s important to reflect on and learn from each year that we face. I also believe it’s important to set goals (I’ll talk more about that in a later post). But more than anything, I believe it’s important to be aware of the mindset that you have as you work through those processes.  
  
When you reflect from a place of fear and anxiety, you will remember and focus on the negative things that happened. It becomes difficult to see the good.  
  
When you only reflect on the good things, you miss important lessons that you should be learning about yourself and those around you.  
  
So, I challenge you, as you work through reflecting on 2020 and planning for 2021, make sure you’re in the right mindset. Don’t get stuck focusing on the bad, even if you have to work extra hard to find the good. I promise you that you’ll find it if you look hard enough.  
  
What were your defining moments of the year? Feel free to share in the comments. If you want to hear a little of my reflection and the difference on focusing on the good vs the bad, check out my latest blog post.  
  
#planningfor2021 #reflection #goalsetting #blogger

It hit me this afternoon. That feeling of being un
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Let me be clear on what I'm NOT talking about. I'm not talking about the abundance mindset. I'm not talking about believing my dreams into reality. To be honest, I don't buy into all that mumble jumble.  
  
What I do buy into is hard work. And confidence. And taking chances. I buy into and believe in the power of action.  
  
Somedays, like today, I get this super empowered feeling. I feel confidence sweep over me until it feels like my chest is just going to burst with excitement. That's something I probably wouldn't share with you on some days because I'd be too self-conscious to admit it to the world.  
  
But on days like today, where my confidence is rocking, I don't mind saying it. Because on days like today, I'm not worried about what everyone else will think as they read it.  
  
What I'm more concerned about is the fact that there are millions of women that don't allow themselves to experience this feeling. I'm worried about the fact that there are women who feel day in and day out like they aren't enough. Or that they can't make a difference in their own life. Or that all of the good things out there are for someone else and not for them.  
  
That's what I'm worried about today. Because I want you to have this feeling of intense determination that you can live the life you want to live. That you can be bold and confident, even if it's in a quiet and behind-the-scenes type of way.  
  
The world is a crazy mess right now. But you don't have to be. You don't have to buy into all that stress and drama. You don't have to live the way the media makes you think you do. You are powerful. You are capable. And you can be unstoppable.  
  
"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline." - 2 Timothy 1:7  
 
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Some days there's this mean girl that says all kin
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She's simply awful. 
 
She is my worst enemy on a lot of days. 
 
She's also me. It's my voice doing the talking. 
 
Self-talk is so important in life. You can have the best situation, be the most talented person, and have such a passion to do things but then that voice in your head jumps in and shuts it all down. 
 
Years ago, I started to really pay attention to the way that I thought. It was ridiculous. It didn't take long to realize that my poor thought life was taking me down a road that I didn't want to travel. But by not keeping my self-talk in check, I was going that direction any way. 
 
Your thoughts matter. What you allow yourself to think will be part of shaping how you feel and what you believe is possible. If you're always thinking bad things about yourself, or telling yourself that you "can't", then you won't. 
 
Your thoughts matter. Take control of your thoughts and you can take control of your life. 
 
That sounds simple enough, but controlling your thoughts is incredibly difficult, especially when you're just getting started. You'll spend the entire day engaged in a battle in your mind that others can't see. You'll collapse into bed at night because you are mentally exhausted from the battle for your mind. It's tiring work, but it's important. And just like with any change, if you stick with it, it will start to get easier over time. You'll have to fight less. 
 
One thing you can do to make it easier is to have a few positive things to shift your attention to when you catch yourself thinking negatively. I like to use Bible verses that remind me of who God says I am and what He says I'm capable of. 
 
Do you struggle with negative self talk? 
 
 
#motivationforwomen #selftalk #selftalkmatters #changeyourthoughtschangeyourlife #encouragementforwomen #encouragementformoms

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Fall has always been my favorite season. I love the colors on the trees, trips to the apple cider for homemade doughnuts, and the crisp air in the morning. 
 
Beautiful, sunny, fall days are some of my favorite days. 
 
But when October hits, it can steal some of my enjoyment of the season. You see, October brings about the beginning of the 4th quarter of the year. It's a time to reflect on what I've accomplished—or didn't accomplish— during the first 3 quarters. 
 
And it's a time to force myself to get realistic about what I can actually accomplish before the clock strikes midnight on New Year's Eve. Most years, I'm not where I want to be for hitting the final quarter of the year. 
 
But this year, I'm excited for the final sprint of the year. I'm excited to see what I can accomplish in a year that was full of so many challenges and difficult times. 
 
And it's not that I've done anything amazing this year compared to other years. It's just that I'm changing my focus and perspective. 
 
What areas of your life do you need to change your focus on in order to reclaim some of the joy in your life? 
 
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It's not just you. 
 
I'm hearing this from friends and family. I'm seeing it with my clients and picking up on it from social media posts. 
 
Don't feel like you're alone. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It just means you are a human living through what's likely one of the most challenging years that you've had. 
 
2020 just seems to pile it on and many of us were already stressed in 2019 and before. 
 
Take a deep breath.  Cry if you need to. Then spend a few minutes doing something you enjoy that recharges you. Pray. Laugh.  Rest. 
 
It will be OK, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. 
 
 

#encouragementfortheday #stress #encouragementforwomen #selfcare #

I keep this quote in my weekly @asana planner. Par
I keep this quote in my weekly @asana planner. Part of my morning routine is to read this before I jump into my work day. It's so true! 
 
If you're waiting for someone else to give you the motivation you need to get things done, it's never going to happen. You need to learn how to motivate yourself. 
 
Accountability is good. Working with a coach can be helpful. But you can't help people that are unwilling to help themselves. 
 
You can read ALL the personal development books or business books in the world, but if you aren't willing to start taking action and responsibility for your life, it won't make a difference. 
 
You can have access to the best tools and the latest technology, but if you don't use them, it won't matter. 
 
You can be the most talented person in your industry, but if you can't get yourself motivated to take action, your skill will only get you so far. 
 
One way to start motivating yourself is to focus on your "why". Why do you want to make the changes in your life? Why do you want to accomplish the goals that you have set? Why is worth spending your time on? 
 
Once you know your answer, make it something you focus on regularly. Use it kick your motivation into gear. 
 
#motivation #motivationquotes #takeaction #inspiration #yougotthisgirl #setgoals #keepgoing


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I believe it’s important to reflect on and learn I believe it’s important to reflect on and learn from each year that we face. I also believe it’s important to set goals (I’ll talk more about that in a later post). But more than anything, I believe it’s important to be aware of the mindset that you have as you work through those processes.  
  
When you reflect from a place of fear and anxiety, you will remember and focus on the negative things that happened. It becomes difficult to see the good.  
  
When you only reflect on the good things, you miss important lessons that you should be learning about yourself and those around you.  
  
So, I challenge you, as you work through reflecting on 2020 and planning for 2021, make sure you’re in the right mindset. Don’t get stuck focusing on the bad, even if you have to work extra hard to find the good. I promise you that you’ll find it if you look hard enough.  
  
What were your defining moments of the year? Feel free to share in the comments. If you want to hear a little of my reflection and the difference on focusing on the good vs the bad, check out my latest blog post.  
  
#planningfor2021 #reflection #goalsetting #blogger
It hit me this afternoon. That feeling of being un It hit me this afternoon. That feeling of being unstoppable. Let me transparent: My house is a mess, the dishes are piled up, I'm a little behind on some of my work, I'm wearing the same yoga pants that I had on yesterday and I'm not really sure what the future looks like. But I can feel it anyway—empowerment.  
  
Let me be clear on what I'm NOT talking about. I'm not talking about the abundance mindset. I'm not talking about believing my dreams into reality. To be honest, I don't buy into all that mumble jumble.  
  
What I do buy into is hard work. And confidence. And taking chances. I buy into and believe in the power of action.  
  
Somedays, like today, I get this super empowered feeling. I feel confidence sweep over me until it feels like my chest is just going to burst with excitement. That's something I probably wouldn't share with you on some days because I'd be too self-conscious to admit it to the world.  
  
But on days like today, where my confidence is rocking, I don't mind saying it. Because on days like today, I'm not worried about what everyone else will think as they read it.  
  
What I'm more concerned about is the fact that there are millions of women that don't allow themselves to experience this feeling. I'm worried about the fact that there are women who feel day in and day out like they aren't enough. Or that they can't make a difference in their own life. Or that all of the good things out there are for someone else and not for them.  
  
That's what I'm worried about today. Because I want you to have this feeling of intense determination that you can live the life you want to live. That you can be bold and confident, even if it's in a quiet and behind-the-scenes type of way.  
  
The world is a crazy mess right now. But you don't have to be. You don't have to buy into all that stress and drama. You don't have to live the way the media makes you think you do. You are powerful. You are capable. And you can be unstoppable.  
  
"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline." - 2 Timothy 1:7  
 
#motivationforwomen #womeninspiringwomen #unstoppable #youcandoit #womenempowerment
Some days there's this mean girl that says all kin Some days there's this mean girl that says all kinds of bad things about me. She works hard to tell me that I can't accomplish the things that I want to do. She reminds me of all my mistakes and how I don't measure up. She calls me names and points out all my imperfections. 
 
She's simply awful. 
 
She is my worst enemy on a lot of days. 
 
She's also me. It's my voice doing the talking. 
 
Self-talk is so important in life. You can have the best situation, be the most talented person, and have such a passion to do things but then that voice in your head jumps in and shuts it all down. 
 
Years ago, I started to really pay attention to the way that I thought. It was ridiculous. It didn't take long to realize that my poor thought life was taking me down a road that I didn't want to travel. But by not keeping my self-talk in check, I was going that direction any way. 
 
Your thoughts matter. What you allow yourself to think will be part of shaping how you feel and what you believe is possible. If you're always thinking bad things about yourself, or telling yourself that you "can't", then you won't. 
 
Your thoughts matter. Take control of your thoughts and you can take control of your life. 
 
That sounds simple enough, but controlling your thoughts is incredibly difficult, especially when you're just getting started. You'll spend the entire day engaged in a battle in your mind that others can't see. You'll collapse into bed at night because you are mentally exhausted from the battle for your mind. It's tiring work, but it's important. And just like with any change, if you stick with it, it will start to get easier over time. You'll have to fight less. 
 
One thing you can do to make it easier is to have a few positive things to shift your attention to when you catch yourself thinking negatively. I like to use Bible verses that remind me of who God says I am and what He says I'm capable of. 
 
Do you struggle with negative self talk? 
 
 
#motivationforwomen #selftalk #selftalkmatters #changeyourthoughtschangeyourlife #encouragementforwomen #encouragementformoms
Fall has always been my favorite season. I love th Fall has always been my favorite season. I love the colors on the trees, trips to the apple cider for homemade doughnuts, and the crisp air in the morning. 
 
Beautiful, sunny, fall days are some of my favorite days. 
 
But when October hits, it can steal some of my enjoyment of the season. You see, October brings about the beginning of the 4th quarter of the year. It's a time to reflect on what I've accomplished—or didn't accomplish— during the first 3 quarters. 
 
And it's a time to force myself to get realistic about what I can actually accomplish before the clock strikes midnight on New Year's Eve. Most years, I'm not where I want to be for hitting the final quarter of the year. 
 
But this year, I'm excited for the final sprint of the year. I'm excited to see what I can accomplish in a year that was full of so many challenges and difficult times. 
 
And it's not that I've done anything amazing this year compared to other years. It's just that I'm changing my focus and perspective. 
 
What areas of your life do you need to change your focus on in order to reclaim some of the joy in your life? 
 
#choosehappiness #changeyourperspective #4thquarter #October #femaleentrepreneur #finishstrong
Are you stressed? Do you have days where you feel Are you stressed? Do you have days where you feel like this year is too much to handle? Are you trying to figure out what's wrong with you and why you just can't focus on what you need to? 
 
It's not just you. 
 
I'm hearing this from friends and family. I'm seeing it with my clients and picking up on it from social media posts. 
 
Don't feel like you're alone. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It just means you are a human living through what's likely one of the most challenging years that you've had. 
 
2020 just seems to pile it on and many of us were already stressed in 2019 and before. 
 
Take a deep breath.  Cry if you need to. Then spend a few minutes doing something you enjoy that recharges you. Pray. Laugh.  Rest. 
 
It will be OK, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. 
 
 

#encouragementfortheday #stress #encouragementforwomen #selfcare #
I keep this quote in my weekly @asana planner. Par I keep this quote in my weekly @asana planner. Part of my morning routine is to read this before I jump into my work day. It's so true! 
 
If you're waiting for someone else to give you the motivation you need to get things done, it's never going to happen. You need to learn how to motivate yourself. 
 
Accountability is good. Working with a coach can be helpful. But you can't help people that are unwilling to help themselves. 
 
You can read ALL the personal development books or business books in the world, but if you aren't willing to start taking action and responsibility for your life, it won't make a difference. 
 
You can have access to the best tools and the latest technology, but if you don't use them, it won't matter. 
 
You can be the most talented person in your industry, but if you can't get yourself motivated to take action, your skill will only get you so far. 
 
One way to start motivating yourself is to focus on your "why". Why do you want to make the changes in your life? Why do you want to accomplish the goals that you have set? Why is worth spending your time on? 
 
Once you know your answer, make it something you focus on regularly. Use it kick your motivation into gear. 
 
#motivation #motivationquotes #takeaction #inspiration #yougotthisgirl #setgoals #keepgoing
#comfortzone #getoutofyourcomfortzone #encouragem #comfortzone #getoutofyourcomfortzone  #encouragement #stuckinyourrut
Being comfortable can feel so good. But staying in Being comfortable can feel so good. But staying in your comfort zone can hold you back in a lot of ways in life. Stepping out might not feel good in the moment, but it's SO worth it in the end. 
 
What's one thing  you are going to do to step out of your comfort zone this week?  
 
#motivation #inspiration #takeaction #comfortzone

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