Stuck In Your Rut

  • Home
  • Areas of Focus
    • Personal Growth
    • Self-Care
    • Balancing Home Life
  • Success Stories
  • Resources
  • About
  • Contact Me
    • Contact
    • Share Your Story

5 Common Mistakes in Marriage

March 10, 2015 By Stephanie 91 Comments

10 Mar

weddingsquare“And they lived happily ever after…” We have all read the stories that end like this and if you’re like most people this is the way you hope your life story will go. However, if you are like most people, you have learned that real life doesn’t go like we plan.

Four years ago my marriage fell apart. I was an awful wife; my husband couldn’t honestly say he had been a great husband, life as we knew it was over. We had gone wrong in so many places and had so much to learn. A lot of couples would have thrown in the towel and ended it, but with God’s grace we stuck it out and pushed through.

We began to study ourselves and study marriage like never before. We read and learned and applied the things we learned. From my reading and studying, I saw there are a million places where you can go wrong in marriage. The real way to have a good marriage is to know going into it that it is going to be a lifetime of work, and sometimes the hardest work you have ever done; but, in the end it will all be worth it.

Here are 5 common mistakes that couples make in marriage and how to avoid them.

1. Expecting Your Spouse to be a Mind Reader. 

This was a big problem in our marriage and it went both ways. I never wanted to tell Dustin what I wanted from him. I figured that if I told him what I thought he should be doing for me then it wouldn’t mean very much if he did it. I wanted him to have to figure it out on his own because it would mean more to me. But, what ended up happening is that he had no idea what I wanted and so he ended up missing the mark constantly. I needed to tell him what I wanted and then appreciate if he was willing to do it for me.

On the flip side, my husband did not compliment me very often. There were many areas that I felt insecure in that I would have loved for him to build me up in, but it just didn’t seem to happen. When we finally started communicating well and I explained this to him he was confused. He thought he had been doing a good job in this area. After some focused thinking, he realized that he had been thinking compliments about me, but not verbalizing them to me.

Your spouse is not a mind reader and they never will be. If you want something from them, give them a fair shot and tell them what it is. If you think something nice about them, tell them or write them a note. Everyone loves compliments and everyone wants their spouse to appreciate them, but they will never know if you don’t tell them.

2. Leaving and Cleaving

This was another struggle that we faced in our marriage on both sides. My mother-in-law is a fantastic lady, but she is a “mommy”. She is so loving and comforting and loves to spoil everyone in her family. My husband is the oldest of 4 boys and the first to get married. My mother-in-law had a hard time adjusting to being the parent to a married grown-up child. She called multiple times a day to speak to my husband and wanted to be part of everything in our lives. I thought it was just her until my friends started to get married. It seemed to be a pattern with the husbands and their mothers.

I appreciate that my husband kept working with her and even being firm when he needed to be to set a new healthy standard for their relationship.

I had the opposite problem and didn’t realize it. I valued my mother’s opinion far more than I should have. I had a hard time making decisions without asking her for her advice. My house was decorated like her house, she watched my daughter, I stuck to all of my “family’s” traditions. I would value my mom’s opinion at times over my husband’s.

I wanted to stick to all of the traditions that I grew up. I am even embarrassed to admit, but we stayed the night at my parent’s house on our first married Christmas Eve so we could wake up in the morning and celebrate Christmas with my family. Now, that might not sound that bad, but we lived less than 15 minutes away. I didn’t want to lose any of those childhood traditions.

It wasn’t until I almost lost my husband that I realized that my family now was first and foremost my husband and my children. We set new traditions for our family. I kept a few that I grew up with that I wanted my children to experience, but we established a lot of new ones too.

It is so important to leave your “old” family when you form that “new” family with your spouse (and children if they come along). Ephesians 5: 31 says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

3. Having Unrealistic Expectations

Life is not like the movies. Your spouse isn’t going to spend their day wooing you the rest of your life. The weight might not just melt off without a lot of work after the baby is born. Your house is not going to be sparkling clean at every moment (or maybe not even the majority of them). Life isn’t just going to be “happily ever after”.

Life is hard and marriage is even harder, toss in a kid (or two, or five) and it can be a real mess. If you set unrealistic expectations for yourself, your spouse, and your life, you will spend a lot of time disappointed.

It is also important to not have hidden expectations. If your expectations are unrealistic and hidden than your spouse has such a small chance to make you happy. But, if you talk about your expectations with your spouse you are able to work through any thoughts that might not be realistic.

Do you expect to stay home when you start having kids? You husband might have different thoughts. Do you expect to have sex 5 times a week? Your spouse might have different expectations. Do you want to eat out three times a week at a nice restaurant? Your spouse might want to eat at home. Do you want to save money for a large item in the future? Your spouse might disagree.

If you don’t communicate your expectations with your spouse you have no way of knowing if they are realistic or not.

4. Not Properly Preparing for Marriage.      

I wonder what heartache and tears could have been spared if I would have invested even half the time into planning my marriage as I did into planning my wedding. While “two becoming one” might be God’s design it doesn’t happen naturally because we are all selfish people. A good marriage takes work, planning, and sacrifice.

I wish that I would have spent time talking with older married women who could pass on the lessons that they learned along the way. I wish I would have not been timid and would have thought about and asked some women the tough questions or for their advice on anything I might not even think to ask about.

We thought it would be easy. We were so wrong. Once we started to really study marriage four years ago we found so many amazing resources. There were tons of Christian books on marriage, being a wife, being a husband, communication, sex, and on and on. I regret not spending hundreds of dollars before my marriage learning what it would really mean to be a wife, compared to the thousands of dollars that we spent on our wedding.

We were required to go through pre-marital counseling at our church before getting married. I think this is a great idea, but what we experienced was not enough preparation. Most of things I remember learning was either about money or the division of chores. We also learned a little about communication and the concept of repeating back what the other person says, but we were so ill prepared for the real challenges of marriage.

I know several women who wanted long (over a year) engagements because they wanted to make sure they had enough time to plan their weddings. This is not uncommon. A wedding has become a huge ordeal. Couples spend months (or years) and thousands of dollars planning for their wedding, which last for 1 day; yet they spend little or no time and money planning for their marriage.

5. Not Setting Boundaries.

I have already briefly talked about setting boundaries with parents during the leaving and cleaving stage, but there are many boundaries that need to be set in marriage.

Set boundaries with the opposite sex. You might think this is going too far, but I don’t. Do not be friends with someone of the opposite sex when you are married. I’m not talking about the husbands of your friends or your husband’s friends, I’m talking about having friendship with a man that is not through your husband. You might think it won’t be a problem, but I believe this is one area that you can NEVER err on the side of being too cautious. And, it is one area that your husband will never complain about you being cautious about.

Set boundaries with your children. So many women become wives and then practically abandon the role of wife when children come along. Always be a wife before a mother. Do not allow your children to interrupt when your husband is talking. Do not allow your children’s activities to steal the time from your husband. If you spend 5 days a week in the evening running your kids from activity to activity, you are too busy and your husband is not getting the time he deserves from you. Do not refuse to get a babysitter and go out with your husband. Do not allow your children to sleep in your bed every night; it’s hard to love on your husband if little ones are constantly coming in.

Marriage is hard, but if you invest the time into it, it can be so rewarding. Have you experienced any of these marriage mistakes? What are some other common mistakes in marriage or areas to prepare for before getting married?

Filed Under: Balancing Home Life

Previous Post: « 16 Tips for a Disney World Vacation
Next Post: Life is Like Cracked Drywall »

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Scarlett says

    March 11, 2015 at 3:24 am

    What a positive way to look at what we could be doing better in marriage! This was refreshing, as I just saw a few posts on what may be a problem in your marriage. It’s great to see a positive reflection on how to fix issues likely everyone has.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 6:05 pm

      Thank you Scarlett!

      Reply
  2. Dorothy @ The Creative Recycler says

    March 11, 2015 at 3:59 am

    Planning for marriage was something I didn’t give as much thought to as the wedding, too. It’s funny. It’s all about the big day and not what comes after.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 6:05 pm

      So true and then the first bump comes along and it catches you off guard!

      Reply
  3. Tracy @ Change of Plates says

    March 11, 2015 at 1:19 pm

    Excellent advice and insight into what it takes to make a successful union! It’s nice to read about a couple who were on the brink of separation and decided to figure out how to improve themselves and their marriage rather than just taking the “easy” way out. We have struggled with some of the same issues mainly in the communication department and have also had some dark days … nice to know that we’re not alone!

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 6:09 pm

      Thanks Tracy! I wish more couples, especially in the church, would share about the problems they have overcome in their marriages. Everyone likes to put on the fake smile and pretend everything is ok. I think it always helps to know that others are where you are or have been there before. It helps it not seem so lonely.

      Reply
  4. Jennifer S. says

    March 11, 2015 at 1:37 pm

    This is a great article. I was so blessed to see an example of a good marriage in my parents. My mom’s example as wife and mother set a good pattern for me. Not that my husband and I haven’t had our struggles. I still had to learn to give up self and consider my husband’s needs before my own, but I believe my marriage has been easier because of what I learned growing up in a good home. I really like #5 – boundaries. Our children all know that after eight at night is “our” time. My husband has made it very clear to them that this is “Daddy and Mommy” time so they need to stay in bed, and we’ll see them in the morning. I look forward to that time – time to be together after a busy day of work.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 6:11 pm

      Such a blessing to have a great example in your mother and it sounds like you and your husband are being good examples for your children. I love the “Daddy and Mommy” time!

      Reply
  5. Michelle says

    March 11, 2015 at 2:44 pm

    I am so thankful that you didn’t throw in the towel! Marriage is hard work, and so many of us do jump in without enough knowledge & wisdom and too many expectations!

    Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing deeply, your story is valuable, encouraging and inspiring! I hope others who are struggling will take the encouragement here and pull that towel back out of the dirt!

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 6:11 pm

      Thanks Michelle!

      Reply
  6. Rachel says

    March 12, 2015 at 12:55 am

    Couldn’t agree with this more. Marriage is hard work, and often times you get stuck in your ways. It is something that involves constant work, and continuing to appreciate your spouse. It is nice to know others have issues, as often times social media allows people to print a false portrait of their seemingly perfect marriage. Thanks for posting this!

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 6:12 pm

      I agree, there are so many people faking the perfect life out there. I can’t believe how many couples we have seen in the past few years look like things are going great and then hear they are getting divorced or considering it.

      Reply
  7. E.W. Allred says

    March 12, 2015 at 1:27 am

    What an inspiration you are. Too many couples call it quits because its just too hard and not all fun and games like they thought it should be. There is a great book I give at bridal showers is called
    Strangling Your Husband Is Not an Option: A Practical Guide to Dramatically Improving Your Marriage
    by Merrilee Browne Boyack. Great book and I highly reccomend all married couples should read it.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 6:13 pm

      I haven’t heard of the book, but I am going to track it down. What a great title to grab your attention.

      Reply
  8. Ben Goode says

    March 12, 2015 at 1:33 am

    This is a great article. People need to understand that a marriage is give and take not just take, take, take! I love the part about: A good marriage takes work, planning, and sacrifice. Great job and you are a inspiration.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 6:19 pm

      Thank you!

      Reply
  9. Eli says

    March 12, 2015 at 11:23 pm

    When married we never rest on our laurels, we always learn, put lots of effort in, change constantly so there is no easy formula for ‘happy ever after’. It is important to be able to communicate needs and wishes to each other, to be gentle and loving, to notice the other person among daily chores and world galloping ahead. Simple things – just like you mentioned in your post, Stephanie – showing attention, respect, contemplating our behavior towards our spouse are the key. There are no guarantees but a lot of hope if the two hearts are willing to do their best. 🙂

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 6:20 pm

      Wonderfully said Eli!

      Reply
  10. Debi Randol says

    March 13, 2015 at 1:02 am

    Wonderfully written and excellent advice! I think if more couples would work through the hard spots they would discover a beautiful marriage waiting for them on the other side. Thank you for your honesty.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 6:20 pm

      I agree Debi. Thank you!

      Reply
  11. Melody Maynard @ Joyfully Ever After says

    March 13, 2015 at 2:04 am

    Stephanie, I loved this post! It is so true that we can’t just expect “happily ever after”, that’s why my blog is called “joyfully ever after”.

    I have so been guilty of the lack of communication. My husband and I have been married for seven months and still have a lot to learn. He is wonderful! But he isn’t a mind reader . . .

    We got married at 18 and 19 years old, and in a lot of ways we weren’t fully prepared for adult life, but we are learning and growing and haven’t even made any tragic mistakes yet . . . If I have to grow up, I want to grow up with him.

    Thanks for sharing a bit of your story. I pray that God will continue to bless your marriage.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 6:24 pm

      Thank you Melody! I got married at 19 and wish I would have put more time into it, it sounds like you are and that is awesome. My advice to you would be to remember that tough times will come, but it is normal and everyone goes through them (even though most pretend that they don’t). Never think you are the only one that has been there. Congratulations on your marriage!

      Reply
  12. Alan says

    March 13, 2015 at 2:24 pm

    I absolutely agree with all your points, VERY well said.

    The key to any relationship, if you ask me, is clear – well defined – communications. Otherwise, if you send out a muddy answer… you’ll get a muddy answer back.

    I’ll be following your blog for sure 🙂

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 16, 2015 at 10:37 pm

      Thanks Alan. That is a great point that communication needs to be clear and well defined. Sometimes if I don’t think before talking I think that I am making my point but I miss the mark completely.

      Reply
  13. Stevi says

    March 13, 2015 at 7:52 pm

    These are great things to think about! Although I’m not married I tend to think my boyfriend is a mind reader. I don’t tell him things that bother me and I’m usually the one who suffers for it. We have been together about 6 years now and you would think I would learn this by now. You have great points that can be applied to other relationships as well. Thank you for sharing what you learned along the way in your journey to a better marriage!!!!

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 16, 2015 at 10:36 pm

      Thanks Stevi, I do the same things at times. I just want him to know what bothers me or to figure it out for himself, and then when he doesn’t it only bothers me.

      Reply
  14. Christy says

    March 13, 2015 at 11:40 pm

    That’s wonderful to hear your story of renewing your marriage! That must have been really, really tough, but it sounds like you both are so glad you pressed through the difficulty to experience the blessing on the other side. I read another blog post earlier today where she had mentioned expectations. Placing expectations on our spouse can lead to so many problems! Especially if, like you mentioned, we don’t voice our expectations. Not voicing our expectations sets up our spouse for failure. I also like your point on preparing for marriage. We prepare for school, for careers, for trying out for sports teams, for interviews, for parenthood, but for some reason few prepare for marriage.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 16, 2015 at 10:34 pm

      You are so right. We spend so much time preparing for other things in life yet when it comes to our biggest relationship with another person we just expect it to happen naturally and be awesome.

      Reply
  15. Amanda Smith says

    March 14, 2015 at 12:25 am

    This is very good advice! All of it. I need to work on my expectations of my husband. And I’ll ad to #1 don;t expect them to read your mind and don’t try to read theirs, because you can’t.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 16, 2015 at 10:30 pm

      That is a great addition Amanda! Most of the time when I try to read my husband’s mind or I assume something I end up wrong.

      Reply
  16. Jennifer says

    March 14, 2015 at 12:26 am

    Marriage is definitely hard and it takes WORK. It always helps when you think about it ahead of time – and congrats to you couples who think, discuss, and work things out before you get married. Most of us dive in. Love is great! But then you marry and find love isn’t enough. You need understanding, connection, trust…plus all the physical things like money, household tasks, etc. Communication is the only way you get there. I’m so happy to hear that you found it – you mentioned that it was later into your marriage, but that doesn’t matter. You found it and are reaping the benefits 🙂

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 16, 2015 at 7:27 pm

      Thanks Jennifer! If only we had figured it out beforehand we could have avoided so much heartache. I really want to make sure that I help my three daughters along the way so they can be one of those couples that gets some of it figured out beforehand.

      Reply
  17. Carla A says

    March 14, 2015 at 2:42 am

    Exactly, so well written! So much disappointment can be avoided with communication, communication, communication!

    Reply
  18. Angi says

    March 14, 2015 at 3:26 am

    Marriage is very hard work and you both have to give and take. Communication is also very important. Neither one of you can read the other ones mind.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 16, 2015 at 7:26 pm

      I agree, communication is so important. I was surprised when I started to look for Christian marriage books how hard it was to find a book that was about communication in marriage. Every book seems to mention how important it is and cover a little part of it, but to find a whole book on it was difficult. The first one that we found was called War on Words.

      Reply
  19. Jennifer says

    March 14, 2015 at 5:45 pm

    I know with my own marriage I knew it would be tough. I knew it would take work from both parties. I didn’t always know how to communicate what I needed or how I needed something expressed. My hubby was the same way. We definitely planned our wedding more than we planned our marriage. I’m on a one-sided fight for my marriage because we didn’t plan for it and only 1 of us wants to work at it.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 16, 2015 at 7:23 pm

      I’m sorry Jennifer. I have several friends that are on one-sided fights right now too. I’m not sure if you have read The Women of Duck Commander, but Miss Kay tells her story of fighting for her marriage and how she was taught that you need to fight for it, even when you are the only one doing it. I thought her story was very encouraging.

      Reply
  20. FinchnWren says

    March 14, 2015 at 7:59 pm

    Great advice for a healthy marriage! I see so many younger couples that even when they are together they are on their smartphones texting, instagramming and facebooking. I wonder what their marriages will be like in a few years if they don’t even communicate now.

    Reply
  21. FinchnWren says

    March 14, 2015 at 8:00 pm

    Great advice for a healthy marriage!
    I see so many younger couples that even when they are together they are on their smartphones texting, instagramming and facebooking. I wonder what their marriages will be like in a few years if they don’t even communicate now.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 16, 2015 at 6:26 pm

      I agree! I hate those moments when I catch myself browsing over a webpage or a text while my husband is talking. Multitasking can be so damaging in relationships and not spending that quality time together.

      Reply
  22. Danielle says

    March 15, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    Marriage is a journey for sure! Without my faith I would hate to see what my marriage would look like! They take lots of work – but are so worth it. Thank you for the post!

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 16, 2015 at 6:25 pm

      Thanks Danielle, my faith has brought me through so many things. I agree with you, I would hate to see where I would be without it.

      Reply
  23. Danielle says

    March 15, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    Marriage can be hard and it breaks my heart to see so many going wrong these days! Takes a strong commitment and a ton of work. Thanks for sharing your insights!!!

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 16, 2015 at 6:23 pm

      Thanks Danielle! You are right, marriage takes tons of work. I hate to see when marriages end because the couple isn’t wiling to work through the tough times. Unfortunately, there will be tough times in marriage, but if when they are worked through together they can strength the individuals and the couple.

      Reply
  24. Toni says

    March 15, 2015 at 10:57 pm

    It’s not easy to admit when your marriage is struggling — this I know from experience. I applaud your bravery and honesty. My husband and I have struggled with many of these same issues. It’s nice to know we’re not alone. Thank you for sharing these great reminders.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 16, 2015 at 5:53 pm

      Thanks Toni! I think it always helps to know that others struggle with marriage issues too. People are so great at faking that their life is great and everything is going well when in reality they are struggling. I think it always helps to hear those stories of people who have walked thru a difficult time in marriage or life and made it through to the other side.

      Reply
  25. Deb says

    March 16, 2015 at 2:22 am

    Great read! I’ve learned so many of these lessons in my relationship as well. You are so right that many young couples put so much time into planning their wedding and not nearly enough thought into the marriage itself. I hope many young couples, or those in new relationships, read your advice and it helps them start off on the right foot. It’s awesome that you are going out of your way to help people in that sense.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 16, 2015 at 5:51 pm

      Thanks Deb! I can’t even imagine how different things could be if couples spent the same amount of time and money on getting ready for their marriage as they do their weddings.

      Reply
  26. Tiffany says

    March 16, 2015 at 4:13 pm

    Stephanie thank you for sharing your story. Truly commendable that you were willing to see yourself and with God’s help get on the right track to restoring your marriage. We recently celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary, and I totally agree with what you wrote here.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 16, 2015 at 5:50 pm

      Congratulations on 15 years! We are at 11 and I am so thankful to be here.

      Reply
  27. Andi says

    March 16, 2015 at 7:18 pm

    Great tips and lessons learned. I would add two things, one isn’t so popular, but I would say don’t get married young, have a little bit of life’s experiences under your belt before getting married. Also, stay independent. I adore my hubby and do a ton of things with him, but it is also good to have a little of your own personal time to pursue things that interest me.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 6:04 pm

      Great points, I would add: if you do get married young put that much more work into it because you will actually be maturing together. It took me awhile to realize that it was ok for me to have some separate hobbies from my husband (as long as we still shared common interests), he just isn’t going to be interested in all the same things as me.

      Reply
  28. Tori says

    March 17, 2015 at 3:35 am

    I loved this! You are so spot on. It’s amazing how much time and energy we can put into just one day and then almost forget the rest. Marriage is a lifetime commitment to one another. We also had counseling before our wedding but unfortunately a sudden family death cut it short. I don’t know that the particular counseling we were getting was the best. I would have loved to have completed a true counseling session. Although I suppose it is still not too late now. Hopefully my husband is still up for it! Thank you so much!

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 6:02 pm

      I wish we would have met with an actual counselor to do some premarital counseling instead of just our pastor (not that it is bad to meet for counseling with a pastor). When we did go through counseling later in our marriage I was surprised at how much easier it was to talk to someone that didn’t know us in our everyday life.

      Reply
  29. Lynne says

    March 17, 2015 at 2:46 pm

    All really good advice, especially the one about preparing for marriage. This is a good list to give a couple that is newly engaged so they can address everything up front before taking the plunge. Thanks for sharing!

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 6:00 pm

      Thank you Lynne!

      Reply
  30. Andi Nicole H says

    March 17, 2015 at 5:52 pm

    Loved this article and it is so true. I don’t think any of us are really prepared 100% for marriage. I wish everyone could read this article. Thank you

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 6:00 pm

      Thank you! It’s funny the way you don’t know what you don’t know until you do (if that isn’t too confusing).

      Reply
  31. Carla says

    March 17, 2015 at 8:34 pm

    I’m so glad you stuck with it! And thanks for sharing such great tips…that mindreader one constantly pops up for us, lol!

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 5:59 pm

      Thanks Carla!

      Reply
  32. Vicky says

    March 17, 2015 at 10:18 pm

    I really appreciate you sharing this Though I am a divorcee and have no intentions of getting married again, I appreciated reading this and hope it helps others out!

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 5:59 pm

      Thanks for commenting Vicky!

      Reply
  33. Kelly O'Brien says

    March 17, 2015 at 10:28 pm

    Great post! Many truths spoken here. I am of the opinion that expectations are sin in my life. They are me centered. I have a picture of how I want things to be or go and it is my way. Expectations can destroy relationships. And let’s be real expectations never come out how we imagine them to be.
    I love the mind reader point. How many times do we think something and not realize we did not verbalize. (Both negative and positive) My husband and I have learned after some very hard lessons that we ask and refer to the marital handbook as we laughingly call it. We need to be intentional to get on the same page because it doesn’t normally happen naturally with men and women.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 5:58 pm

      You are so right Kelly, it just doesn’t come naturally. Don’t you wish there was a marriage handbook that every new couple got? Oh, the heartache that could be spared!

      Reply
  34. Jenn says

    March 17, 2015 at 11:22 pm

    Wow! This is such a fantastic post. I love how vulnerable you are about your marriage, and all of the tips you give are totally on point. I feel like we had to learn a lot in our first couple years of marriage, and work through serious issues. Leaving and cleaving was a big issue for me. As was lack of communication! Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 5:56 pm

      It’s funny, I thought my husband was the one having a hard time leaving and cleaving, when it reality it was me! That was a hard one to accept 🙂

      Reply
  35. Yona Williams says

    March 18, 2015 at 6:03 am

    That’s a good point that you make about being a mind reader, I think a lot of us just assume a significant other is supposed to ‘know’ every little thing, which is impossible to do. My S/O wants me to tell him what is on my mind…I must admit, I still have to work in that area. You made a lot of great points in this post, and presented it in a down-to-earth way that everyone can relate to. I feel that when I read similar posts, they can get a little too ‘preachy’ and it’s a turn off to me because I want to connect to the writer and read something within a context that I can relate to with examples that might apply to my life. And, good for the two of you for making your marriage work, I can see that you put a lot of time into rebuilding your relationship.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 5:55 pm

      Thanks Yona! I have to constantly remind myself that my husband can’t read my mind. It seems like such an easy concept, but can be difficult to be consistent with when trying to make a change!

      Reply
  36. Jenn says

    March 18, 2015 at 5:18 pm

    Great thoughts. My husband and I put a big priority on premarital counseling. And it was super helpful. We have definitely had some things happen in our lives that have tested our communication, but we have been able to recognize how we each communicate and react, partially because of that counseling. I love your wisdom.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 5:53 pm

      Thanks Jenn! I’m glad you guys focused on premarital counseling. I wish I could do that part over as I imagine even when it is difficult, having that foundation from the start helps.

      Reply
  37. Whitney says

    March 18, 2015 at 7:22 pm

    These are all great ideas! I wish everyone could get through the tough times but the fact is they don’t. I too prepared more for the wedding for a marriage. I guess we all think it’s going to be easy until reality sinks in. I also think we don’t expect the butterflies to go away, and when they do a lot of people think they’re not in love anymore. I hope more people begin to choose to get educated about marriage instead of quitting when things get rough. Thanks for sharing!

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 8:54 pm

      Great point. I’m not sure if you have read The 5 Love Languages before but it addresses the whole “not in love anymore” scenario perfectly! Thanks Whitney.

      Reply
  38. Kelly says

    March 18, 2015 at 8:28 pm

    Wise words. I am so glad God broke through to both of you to work on your marriage together. It takes two. I knew going into marriage that it would be hard…my husband was willing to let it be hard for me. If anything was “broken” I had to fix it. That is now way to live being married. Luckily, I know God and He walked with (carried!) me. We will be married 24 years in June and it has been a long, hard road for me. My husband will admit that most of the time that I spent struggling, he was perfectly happy. I am happy to say, that my husband has realized (recently) that he needs to be active in working on our relationship with me. I praise God but, we have a long way to go. Your post would be a wonderful post for young couples “thinking” about marriage, before even beginning to plan a wedding, to read.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 18, 2015 at 8:53 pm

      Thanks Kelly. I’m glad that your husband is coming around. It is not easy when you are the only one struggling, but I give you so much credit for sticking it out!

      Reply
  39. Elaine says

    March 18, 2015 at 9:01 pm

    Kudos to you and your husband for working on your marriage together. I’m sure all of us married folks have made at least one of the mistakes that you list here. I know my husband and I both have. This would be a great article for young marrieds or engaged couples to read, too.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 19, 2015 at 2:23 am

      Thanks Elaine!

      Reply
  40. Deb says

    March 19, 2015 at 1:47 am

    Great advice. I have to say I am big on the expectations part. Something I am very hard about. Seeking the perfect family, house, kids, husband, looks, etc. This is hard sometimes on our marriage and something we/I for sure need to work on.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 19, 2015 at 2:26 am

      Thanks Deb! I found that I had to be so careful when I started reading blogs not to compare myself and my life to what I was reading. So many women come across like they have it all together and it was easy at first for me to end up discouraged instead of encouraged from what I was reading. I try to remember now that even the people who have it all together usually have something behind closed doors that isn’t so perfect in their life.

      Reply
  41. Elaine Lombardi says

    March 19, 2015 at 1:58 am

    I’ve been married for almost 43 years now, and I couldn’t agree more with you. Thanks for sharing your insights. Great article.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 19, 2015 at 2:22 am

      Thank you Elaine. Congratulations on 43 years!

      Reply
  42. Adrienne says

    March 19, 2015 at 4:25 am

    Stephanie, wow! This is spot on – many things are almost identical to parts of my marriage! While we did not spend thousands on our wedding (I had no desire to spend that kind of money on one day), I did not prepare for marriage. I had the mother-in-law apron strings not being cut issue as well. I remember the excessive phone calls – some which were bad timing! It took quite a bit of time for my husband to set appropriate boundaries. We had serious struggles back in 2009 – almost to the point of divorce. Through counseling, a lot of prayers, and time we are still together. Much has happened since then (two more children) and my husband was injured on the job which resulted in two major back surgeries (two days apart). A little over a year later, he was rear-ended in a car accident which re-injured his back. The struggles we face now are his physical limitations and constant pain. The struggles may be different. The drama from the past continues to creep into our present – especially when his pain spikes, one (or both) of us is tired/hungry/sick, and/or we are emotionally/mentally frustrated (regardless of the reason). I learned from my own parents that I did not want a marriage like theirs. There are times when my marriage is way too similar to theirs for my comfort. Thank you for this honest and personal look at your marriage to help others. I appreciate it deeply. I look forward to reading more here on you site. Thank you! ~Adrienne

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 19, 2015 at 7:58 pm

      I’m sorry to hear about your husband, Adrienne, that has to be difficult for you both. We experience the same thing, the past hurt creeps back in and we have to keep working to move forward. If only it could be so easy as to just wave a wand and have it be gone. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering that it is a normal thing for people to have to keep dealing with it, and some days being better than others. I hate that part, it can be so unpredictable.

      Reply
  43. Christine Paul says

    March 19, 2015 at 5:28 am

    What great insights! I came to the same realizations after my first marriage also, but it was a blessing. What i learned from the first horrible experienced has given me a great insight of what a great marriage is. After 9 years on my second things are better than the first day of our marriage, and are always better than the day before.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 19, 2015 at 7:54 pm

      That is awesome Christine!

      Reply
  44. Jenny @ Unremarkable Files says

    March 20, 2015 at 8:05 pm

    Great list! I’d also add not complaining about your spouse. If you have a disagreement, you might want to take it to your mom or your best friend or Facebook, but don’t do it! You should never be the one to make your spouse look worse in someone else’s eyes (even if they were totally out of line or did something really dumb.) If you feel the need to talk to someone other than your spouse, there’s always God and if need be, a marriage counselor.

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 20, 2015 at 10:09 pm

      That is a great addition Jenny! And one that I think a lot of people could use.

      Reply
  45. christina says

    March 20, 2015 at 8:37 pm

    Fantastic advice! Marriage is not something to be taken lightly, or for granted. And that is so easy to do! Like any good partnership, it takes work. I’m glad you two were able to put in that work!

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      March 20, 2015 at 10:07 pm

      Thanks Christina!

      Reply
  46. Kimberly says

    March 21, 2015 at 8:24 pm

    Great advice. Leaving and cleaving can be an issue. Particularly for mothers and their sons. I hope I’m not THAT mother when my son marries. But I get that it can be difficult to accept another woman in their life. Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
  47. Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom says

    March 23, 2015 at 6:27 pm

    Such wonderful and insightful points that you’ve shared here!

    Mind reader… I had to chuckle at that one. I used to convince myself… “If he loved me, he would know what I want.” How ridiculous and dangerous!!

    Thanks for sharing (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop).

    Wishing you a lovely day.
    xoxo

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

About Stuck in Your Rut

Wondering who I am and what this site is all about? Find out here.

Let’s Connect

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest

Latest on Instagram

stuckinyourrut

Stuck in Your Rut - Stephanie


Today has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very
Today has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. 

Some days are like that.

And sometimes those days are our fault.

My day was caused by a toxic client. As much as I would like to blame her, I take responsibility because I knew from the beginning that I never should have worked with her.

When we go down paths we shouldn't go down, we usually have painful consequences.

Several valuable lessons were learned today and I would like to share them so I don't have to relearn them again in the future and maybe I can spare you some future pain too.

1. Be careful when doing business with people whose values don't align with yours

2. When you feel you should get out of a situation, do not delay

3. Never do any type of work that leaves you feeling your values were compromised

4. Toxic people can play nice... for awhile... But their true colors will always show through in the end

5. Trust your instincts

6. When you turn a situation over to God, it doesn't mean the way out will be pain free

And finally remember, some days feel like terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days, but it doesn't have to stay like that.

Happy Friday!

I've been pondering this a lot in the past week.


I've been pondering this a lot in the past week.

I do a lot of work in the mental health space. I believe in the benefits of therapy and medication as needed. 

But as I help people share this message that "therapy is for everyone," I'm starting to wonder if we are spreading the wrong message.

Yes therapy can be for everyone. And there are some people who absolutely need the support and guidance of mental health professionals. But does everyone actually need therapy to be mentally well? 

That seems to be the trend we have taken as society.

Therapy can play an important role in helping people heal and live healthy, but are we becoming too dependent on believing we ALL need therapy? Have we lost the ability to process through difficult situations on our own or with our own support system?

I'm not sure. I'm still pondering. But I would love to hear your thoughts.


We see what we look for.

In our first house, we h
We see what we look for.

In our first house, we had beautiful sunrises and sunsets over farm fields. A few years ago we lived by the ocean where we saw stunning sunsets regularly over the water. 

Beautiful sunrises and sunsets is one the things I've missed since living in a neighborhood in a suburb of Louisville Kentucky. The trees around us block out most of these beautiful moments every morning and night.

I was up early this morning and decided to sit outside and enjoy the cooler air and I had the opportunity to watch an incredible sunrise from this small little section.

It reminded me that we often get what we look for in life. If you want to see all the bad, you will. If you look for the good, you can find it. And just because we don't see good things happening at every moment (like I don't usually see the sunrises) doesn't mean they aren't still happening all around us.

#thankfulgratefulblessed #tuesdaythoughts #beencouraged


Wow! So true.

I came across this incredible remi
Wow! So true. 

I came across this incredible reminder in an email today from @lysaterkeurst and @proverbs31ministires.

Yesterday was a rough day. I got myself into a difficult conversation with someone and ended up saying things that I regret out of my frustration.

Too many times in life I have allowed my emotions to get the best of me which never ends in me feeling better than I did in the beginning. Carefully planned words are ALWAYS better than speaking in the heat of the moment.

Sometimes we need to say difficult things to people, but we can choose to do it out of love instead of frustration and anger.

So, I cannot control the actions of others or many details of this specific situation, but I can control my words in the midst of it, and I can control how much power I allow the situation to have over my life.

Sharing in case my failure can help anyone else do better.

#workinprogress #stilllearning


The power of our minds and the way we choose to th
The power of our minds and the way we choose to think is amazing!

A couple weeks ago on vacation, we had the chance to hold a baby alligator. There were grown people on the boat who were terrified to sit next to a person holding the alligator. Then there were those, like Macy, who took advantage of a new opportunity and gave it a go.

If we really think about it, this is exactly what happens in life too. Some people are too afraid to take a risk and try something new when the opportunity comes and others are willing to give it a try. 

Some are afraid to let their friends and family try a new adventure because their own fear is so strong so they discourage them from doing the thing even if that person really wants to try it.

Our minds and our thoughts are so incredibly powerful but the good news is that we get to choose our thoughts and actions. A new situation may feel scary, but that doesn't mean you can't choose to move past that fear and try something new.

#tryingnewthings #overcomingfear #chooseyourthoughts

Have you ever thought about how a click of a camer
Have you ever thought about how a click of a camera button has the ability to capture a moment in time? Pretty amazing!

We always make a point to take pictures of the big moments or the things we do when we travel, like our day trip to Nashville yesterday.

But there are so many day-to-day moments that make my heart happy too, like seeing my daughters cooking dinner (which they choose to do a lot - blessed mom right here!) or when my husband is helping the girls build garden planters for our veggies. I need to make an effort to take pictures of these moments more so I can be reminded of these simple joys. The days seem long but the years are going fast!

What is something you see in day-to-day life that brings you joy?

Do you ever just wish you had a quiet moment alone
Do you ever just wish you had a quiet moment alone?

I loved this little bit of time I had on our Tennessee vacation, sitting on the porch swing listening to the rain.

I'm guilty of filling my day too full and trying to do too much and tiring myself out.

This morning I was reminded of Luke 5:7 "But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed."

It's important to be intentional about creating space to withdrawal and pray.

Some days it looks and sounds pretty. Most days, it's finding the one quiet place in my house. All that matters is that we do it.

How do you talk about and think about yourself?

Y
How do you talk about and think about yourself?

Yesterday I had the pleasure of chatting with several different women. I'm getting ready to write website profiles for them and wanted to learn more about them.

I noticed something that got me thinking during one of the calls. 

I asked the question "Who do you enjoy working with?"

The woman gave me a long list of the people she didn't feel qualified to help. She shared her heart for people but would then explain the areas she felt she was lacking. 

I'm sure she didn't realize she was doing this. I know I struggle with doing the same thing. It's so easy to spot in other people what we miss in ourselves. 

So, how do you think and talk about yourself? Do you focus on where you are lacking and where you don't feel "good enough" or qualified? Or, do you acknowledge your skills and strengths? 

We all have areas we can grow and improve but we are unproductive when those are the main areas we focus on.

#focusonyourstrengths #thoughtlife #positivethinking #buildconfidence


I was reading the book Friendship - It's Complicat
I was reading the book Friendship - It's Complicated by @andiandrew this morning and came across the saying "healed people heal people." It really struck me.

I've heard many times the old saying "hurting people hurt people" but this simple switch made it so different. 

It made me really reflect on my actions, words, and behaviors to see if I was helping or hurting others. It made me think about what areas of my life I needed to walk in healing so I could help bring others along.

I also love the way this shifted from the negative to the positive. "Hurting people hurt people" can be used as an excuse if you've experienced pain in your life. "Healed people heal people" is so much more of a calling to rise up out of painful situations to make a positive difference. It gives your hurtful experiences and pain a new purpose. 

Just something to think about.

#encouragement #movepastyourpast #womensupportingwomen

Let's talk about meerkats for a minute—stick wit
Let's talk about meerkats for a minute—stick with me here.  
 
On Thursday, I took my kids to the zoo for a few hours. We've had an exhausting couple of weeks. Things haven't gone as planned. Work has been hectic and I've been working long hours. We're in the middle of trying to make some big life decisions again (which seems to be the constant state of life).  
 
Can you relate?  
 
The zoo is one of our happy places, so we picked the warmest day of the week and took some time off to get outside and enjoy ourselves.  
 
Some of my favorite animals to watch at the zoo are the meerkats. 
 
If you ever watch a gang of meerkats, you'll probably notice that there is almost always one meerkat that is standing up checking the skies and looking around while the others are off doing their thing. Why? 
 
That meerkat is watching for danger. They are checking the skies and surrounding areas for predators. They remain alert in order to allow the others to find food and do what they need to do. 
 
On this trip, I could relate to that poor little meerkat standing up, not enjoying herself in order to try to protect her family—not realizing they are safe from predators. As a wife and mom, I think that instinct comes pretty naturally to us women. I've been so caught up lately in trying to figure out how to balance what the different members of my family need that it's been harder to enjoy the good things in each day.  
 
But I'm not a meerkat. There really aren't predators circling around me, trying to get my family. Yes, there are dangers in this world, but when that's all I focus on, that's all I see. I miss all of the good things that are taking place and the positive moments I could be enjoying. 
 
So, if you can relate to that little meerkat too, here's your reminder to take a break. Be present in the moment.

There are hard parenting days - which we've had qu
There are hard parenting days - which we've had quite a bit of lately - and then there are the days when your kid surprises you with a homemade card. 

The world is full of scary, hard things right now and it's easy when you focus on those things to forget all the good that is right around you.

I'm getting started so I can be organized and on m
I'm getting started so I can be organized and on my game for 2022 thanks to help from my new planner by @christybwright

Sometimes we feel stuck in life because of things
Sometimes we feel stuck in life because of things that are within our control.

You can't control what others do to you... but you can control what you choose to do after that. If you're holding onto unforgiveness towards someone, it's going to seep into all areas of your life.

Being easily offended and staying offended and angry gives things outside of your control power over you, your day, and your attitude.

If you're tired of not making progress in life and often feel angry, I encourage you to look inward. Sometimes I'm caught off guard by the things I thought I had dealt with and moved on from that I didn't.

#movingforward #dontbeeasilyoffended #inspiration #armorofgodstudy

There are few things I find as beautiful in nature
There are few things I find as beautiful in nature as a tree with fall colors on a bright sunny day. ❤️🍁

#fallcolors🍁🍂 #louisvillezoo

It can be so hard to ask for things that we want.
It can be so hard to ask for things that we want. The fear of the "what ifs" always want to get in the way. But what if we change our thoughts and expect the best instead of assuming the worst?

My dad has been an incredible example of just asking. He doesn't overthink asking questions to people and because of it, he learns all kinds of cool things. He doesn't worry about if the person says "no" or responds negatively. He doesn't let fear stop him. 

Over the years, my husband and I have learned to ask for things we want. We asked for work from a church without knowing if they would be interested. We asked to barter handyman services and home repair in exchange for lower rent. 

We've asked for some weird things that don't seem like they should have worked out, but they did. And we would have never had those opportunities if we hadn't been willing to ask for them.

Are there questions you've been avoiding asking out of fear?

This.

It's so easy to avoid growth and change bec
This.

It's so easy to avoid growth and change because it's uncomfortable and painful. But so many times the life we want is on the other side.

#motivation #thursdaythoughts #growthmindset #growingpains #pushpastthehardthings


What if you don't wait to get started until everyt
What if you don't wait to get started until everything is perfect? What would that look like? 
 
I'm giving you a sneak peek into what my incredible workspace looks like today 😜 
 
Today I have a few calls so I'm working with my messy bed as my desk so I can have a quiet space. Sometimes I work from my kitchen counter. My family of 5 lives in a small rental house right now. I don't have any space for an office, but I'm running a growing business by working like this. 
 
If I had waited to get started until I "knew everything" or had the perfect setup, I would have wasted the last 5 years. If I had waited until I "knew just a little more" or felt a "little more ready", I still wouldn't be doing anything. Even after 5 years, I still have LOTS to learn but I'm so much further along because I took the step of getting started.
 
It sucks to hear, but you have to get started before you're "ready". That's just the way it works. Don't let your circumstances get in your way. And - this might sound tough but - stop making excuses. Look for a way to make it work as best you can right now. 
 
 
 
#getstarted #femaleentrepreneur #makeitwork #midweekmotivation #takeachance #mompreneur #homeschoolingentrepreneur #overcomefear #buildyourconfidence

This quote rings so true to me. A little over 4 ye
This quote rings so true to me. A little over 4 years ago, I had such little confidence. I let fear control so much of what I did.

I was working to grow my freelance business and almost skipped an opportunity to take on work because the potential client wanted to schedule a phone call instead of just working through emails and messages. I broke out in hives just having to talk on the phone.

I couldn't handle ordering a pizza because I was too nervous about not knowing what to say. I overthought everything.

Fear controlled what I did and didn't do. It caused me to struggle in my thoughts and postponed my ability to go after the things I really wanted to accomplish.

Learning to overcome my fears took a lot of time. But slowly, I started to make progress. They were little changes at a time. I didn't even notice the growth as it happened. 

But then one day, that same client pointed out to me how much more confidence I had. And then another client mentioned how much I had grown in my confidence and ability to share my thoughts and opinions.

It ended up impacting every area of my life. 

But don't get me wrong, some days are still a struggle. Sometimes I still get hives when I have to talk on the phone or do a zoom call with someone I don't know, but not every time.

If you struggle with fear and confidence, know that you can improve and grow in this area. It doesn't have to be how you remain for the rest of your life. And so much of what you want is on the other side of pushing past that fear.

#overcomefear #buildconfidence #personalgrowth #growthmindset #motivationalquotes

Isn't it so easy to be happy and positive when you
Isn't it so easy to be happy and positive when you're on vacation? This picture is from over the summer when we did a mini vacation. It's easy when you get out of the routines of everyday life to start to think outside of the box and see new opportunities. 
 
But then we get back home. Clients need my attention. The house needs to be cleaned and dinner needs to be cooked. The kids have activities. And before I know it, I've fallen right back into going through the motions instead of really living each day. 
 
Here's your reminder for the day. I know it's Monday and it's easy to drag through the day. But choose to get outside of your comfort zone. Choose to look at things in a new way. Choose to start building the life you want to live, even if it's one tiny decision at a time. 
 
#mondaymotivation

Don't wait for the fear to go away. It's not going
Don't wait for the fear to go away. It's not going to. Choose courage and push past it and just watch as your confidence starts to build.


Load More...



Follow on Instagram


Browse by Category

  • Balancing Home Life
  • Business
  • Disney
  • Personal Growth
  • Self-Care
  • Share Your Story
  • Uncategorized

Copyright © 2023 ·Refined Theme · Genesis Framework by StudioPress · WordPress · Log in