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Quit Asking “Why?” and Start Asking This Question Instead

June 18, 2018 By Stephanie 1 Comment

18 Jun

Let me be super honest with you for a minute. The last few months (or year) have been challenging in several ways. My family has experienced some frustrating and challenging situations and we have watched some friends and family walk through a few very trying times in their life. It seemed like it was one thing after another. When it rains it pours, right?

I know I’m not alone in this because I’ve talked to a lot of different people who have walked through times like this as well. And, to be honest, this wasn’t the worst time in my life, it just left me wondering “why?”. What’s the purpose of all these things? Why do we have to walk through these difficult times? It got me down and feeling a little hopeless, which is not like me at all.

Well, a few days ago I was reading through a devotion book by Jennie Allen, Restless, (affiliate link) for the second time and something really stood out to me. The book walks through the life of Joseph, which is one of my favorites to study. But, this time I saw something different in it—the reason we need to move past asking “why?” and the one question we should be asking instead.

When you should ask yourself “why”

This is the disclaimer section. I’m not saying that you should never ask yourself “why” something is the way that it is. In fact, there are some times in life when it’s necessary to do so. For example, when I was at the lowest point of my life I had to ask myself why I was there. This helped me to determine where I went wrong and what needed to be changed. This was a crucial first step. But, I couldn’t just camp out there. Once I knew why it happened I had to move on to the next part of determining how to make it different.

It’s also important to understand “why” when setting and working towards goals. It’s not often the goal itself that matters to us, but the “why” behind it. For example, if you want to create a business that allows you to work from home it helps to know why that matters to you. It might be so you can stay at home with your children when they are young, or attend school parties during the day because you can set your own schedule. Or, it may be so you can help contribute financially to your family. There are many reasons why it matters, but you need to know why it matters to you or else it’s hard to stay motivated.

But, that’s not what we are focusing on today. Today we are focused on those times when life gets rough and we camp out in trying to figure out why. It’s when we spend days asking ourselves “why do bad things happen to good people?” or “why everytime I have a little extra money does something go wrong or break so I have to spend it right away?”. We are talking about those moments in life that don’t seem to make sense and we work at trying to figure them out.

We need to stop asking “Why?”

As a Christian, I need to stop asking myself “why?” all the time. I’m usually pretty good at this. I’m more of the blind faith kind of person that doesn’t need to question everything. I enjoy just knowing that there is a lot of stuff out there that my brain just doesn’t understand, or even can’t understand, right now. I usually do quite well simply believing that God has a plan that I don’t understand, but that in the end, it will all work out.

However, as I work through difficult times in my own life or watch things that just seem unfair happening to other people it can start to get to me. However, asking “why” has never really gotten me anywhere in these situations.

The Bible tells us a lot about Joseph’s life. He had a big God-given dream and then a lot of setbacks. He was thrown in a hole and then sold into slavery by his brothers, imprisoned for doing the right thing, forgotten about in prison after helping someone else out, and yet there is no record of him giving up on his dream, questioning God, or wasting time asking “Why did this happen to me?”. It appears he simply didn’t do it.

Why we shouldn’t get caught up on asking “why”

If Joseph had been so caught up in his own problems he would have missed the doors that God was opening for him. In each rough place that Joseph ended up, there was an opportunity that presented itself, like interpreting the dreams of Pharoah’s workers, which eventually led him out of prison and into a position of leadership over Egypt. However, I don’t think Joseph ever would have noticed these opportunities if he was so busy feeling down, hopeless, and asking himself “why did this happen to me?”.

When “why” steels are focus we miss all the good things that are happening around us. We also miss the opportunities that we have to use our situation to benefit others. The truth is, I don’t know why some people have to go through what they do. But, I do know that God uses the low places of our lives to reach other people if we are open to the opportunity.

Focusing on the “why” also steals our power. It puts our focus on trying to figure out things that are outside of our control (remember, we aren’t talking about situations we got ourselves into). There are many things in life that we cannot control. But, when we focus on those, we lose any sense of power that we have to make a change or take action.

The One question we should be asking instead

We need to stop asking”why” and start asking “what should I do now?”.  This changes our focus from feeling sorry for ourselves to focusing on what we can do about it. Instead of wasting time on a question we might never get an answer to in this life, it moves us to a place of action.

There are a lot of things that are outside of our control in this world: disease, death, abuse, accidents, the actions and words of other people. But, we can control ourselves. When we ask “what should I do now” it restores the fact that there is something in the situation we control, even if it’s only our attitude.

This is the first step to moving forward and improving our situation in even a small way. It’s also the thing that lets our story be something that other people can learn from and be inspired by. Who would want to read Joseph’s story if it was all about him sitting around, questioning, feeling bad, and then staying stuck in this place? No one.

It’s a process

There are challenging and hurtful things that happen in life. There are times for grieving in these situations. Please don’t think I saying that that shouldn’t happen. But, staying camped out in the place of asking “why?” is not a healthy place to remain. Sometimes when we are too close to a situation it’s helpful to get the help of others, like a therapist, pastor, or friend, to see what your next step should be. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help when needed.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Personal Growth

Previous Post: « How to Escape a Rut and How it Can Change Your Life
Next Post: Why Being Stuck is a Call for You to Move Forward »

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  1. Lisa Nelson says

    June 19, 2018 at 3:42 pm

    Great information . Thanks!

    Reply

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Stuck in Your Rut - Stephanie


Today has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very
Today has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. 

Some days are like that.

And sometimes those days are our fault.

My day was caused by a toxic client. As much as I would like to blame her, I take responsibility because I knew from the beginning that I never should have worked with her.

When we go down paths we shouldn't go down, we usually have painful consequences.

Several valuable lessons were learned today and I would like to share them so I don't have to relearn them again in the future and maybe I can spare you some future pain too.

1. Be careful when doing business with people whose values don't align with yours

2. When you feel you should get out of a situation, do not delay

3. Never do any type of work that leaves you feeling your values were compromised

4. Toxic people can play nice... for awhile... But their true colors will always show through in the end

5. Trust your instincts

6. When you turn a situation over to God, it doesn't mean the way out will be pain free

And finally remember, some days feel like terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days, but it doesn't have to stay like that.

Happy Friday!

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I've been pondering this a lot in the past week.

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But as I help people share this message that "therapy is for everyone," I'm starting to wonder if we are spreading the wrong message.

Yes therapy can be for everyone. And there are some people who absolutely need the support and guidance of mental health professionals. But does everyone actually need therapy to be mentally well? 

That seems to be the trend we have taken as society.

Therapy can play an important role in helping people heal and live healthy, but are we becoming too dependent on believing we ALL need therapy? Have we lost the ability to process through difficult situations on our own or with our own support system?

I'm not sure. I'm still pondering. But I would love to hear your thoughts.


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It reminded me that we often get what we look for in life. If you want to see all the bad, you will. If you look for the good, you can find it. And just because we don't see good things happening at every moment (like I don't usually see the sunrises) doesn't mean they aren't still happening all around us.

#thankfulgratefulblessed #tuesdaythoughts #beencouraged


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I came across this incredible remi
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I came across this incredible reminder in an email today from @lysaterkeurst and @proverbs31ministires.

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Too many times in life I have allowed my emotions to get the best of me which never ends in me feeling better than I did in the beginning. Carefully planned words are ALWAYS better than speaking in the heat of the moment.

Sometimes we need to say difficult things to people, but we can choose to do it out of love instead of frustration and anger.

So, I cannot control the actions of others or many details of this specific situation, but I can control my words in the midst of it, and I can control how much power I allow the situation to have over my life.

Sharing in case my failure can help anyone else do better.

#workinprogress #stilllearning


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The power of our minds and the way we choose to think is amazing!

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If we really think about it, this is exactly what happens in life too. Some people are too afraid to take a risk and try something new when the opportunity comes and others are willing to give it a try. 

Some are afraid to let their friends and family try a new adventure because their own fear is so strong so they discourage them from doing the thing even if that person really wants to try it.

Our minds and our thoughts are so incredibly powerful but the good news is that we get to choose our thoughts and actions. A new situation may feel scary, but that doesn't mean you can't choose to move past that fear and try something new.

#tryingnewthings #overcomingfear #chooseyourthoughts

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I'm guilty of filling my day too full and trying to do too much and tiring myself out.

This morning I was reminded of Luke 5:7 "But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed."

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Y
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Can you relate?  
 
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You can't control what others do to you... but you can control what you choose to do after that. If you're holding onto unforgiveness towards someone, it's going to seep into all areas of your life.

Being easily offended and staying offended and angry gives things outside of your control power over you, your day, and your attitude.

If you're tired of not making progress in life and often feel angry, I encourage you to look inward. Sometimes I'm caught off guard by the things I thought I had dealt with and moved on from that I didn't.

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Over the years, my husband and I have learned to ask for things we want. We asked for work from a church without knowing if they would be interested. We asked to barter handyman services and home repair in exchange for lower rent. 

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Are there questions you've been avoiding asking out of fear?

This.

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This.

It's so easy to avoid growth and change because it's uncomfortable and painful. But so many times the life we want is on the other side.

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This quote rings so true to me. A little over 4 years ago, I had such little confidence. I let fear control so much of what I did.

I was working to grow my freelance business and almost skipped an opportunity to take on work because the potential client wanted to schedule a phone call instead of just working through emails and messages. I broke out in hives just having to talk on the phone.

I couldn't handle ordering a pizza because I was too nervous about not knowing what to say. I overthought everything.

Fear controlled what I did and didn't do. It caused me to struggle in my thoughts and postponed my ability to go after the things I really wanted to accomplish.

Learning to overcome my fears took a lot of time. But slowly, I started to make progress. They were little changes at a time. I didn't even notice the growth as it happened. 

But then one day, that same client pointed out to me how much more confidence I had. And then another client mentioned how much I had grown in my confidence and ability to share my thoughts and opinions.

It ended up impacting every area of my life. 

But don't get me wrong, some days are still a struggle. Sometimes I still get hives when I have to talk on the phone or do a zoom call with someone I don't know, but not every time.

If you struggle with fear and confidence, know that you can improve and grow in this area. It doesn't have to be how you remain for the rest of your life. And so much of what you want is on the other side of pushing past that fear.

#overcomefear #buildconfidence #personalgrowth #growthmindset #motivationalquotes

Isn't it so easy to be happy and positive when you
Isn't it so easy to be happy and positive when you're on vacation? This picture is from over the summer when we did a mini vacation. It's easy when you get out of the routines of everyday life to start to think outside of the box and see new opportunities. 
 
But then we get back home. Clients need my attention. The house needs to be cleaned and dinner needs to be cooked. The kids have activities. And before I know it, I've fallen right back into going through the motions instead of really living each day. 
 
Here's your reminder for the day. I know it's Monday and it's easy to drag through the day. But choose to get outside of your comfort zone. Choose to look at things in a new way. Choose to start building the life you want to live, even if it's one tiny decision at a time. 
 
#mondaymotivation

Don't wait for the fear to go away. It's not going
Don't wait for the fear to go away. It's not going to. Choose courage and push past it and just watch as your confidence starts to build.


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